I was reading Eckhart Tolle yesterday and found this idea – ego likes to create suffering. Since I still identify with the ego a lot, I was at first slightly offended – Is he saying that I like to be so miserable?
Watching my parents-in-law getting ready to leave today I realized that the answer was YES!
A big part of why me and my mother-in-law don’t get alone is because we are so alike. We look at each other’s faults, recognize them as our own and begin hating them and fighting them in each other. Recognizing this lately really helped me to stop, stand back and just observe the raise and fall of many strong emotions. But it also gave me a unique opportunity to look at my own psyche and behavior from a standpoint of an observer. And I realized how much my mind enjoys creating drama and suffering. It gives it such a feeling of superiority and uniqueness. I could never quite see this before. I am addicted to suffering!
Seeing this is now allowing me to question my suffering – Is this real or is this a mind creation? Can I make some space around it? Can I learn how to identify with Awareness when it is beginning to happen?
I love the straightforward and fearless honesty of your explorations. Your J. Kornfield quote in an earlier post reminded me of how i sometimes see these unloving parts as babies that i love and swaddle…the suffering monster becomes a newborn babe
Thanks for the great sharing, here.
x,marga
Thank you so much, Marga, for your love and encouragement. And for reminding me to think of the “monsters” as small babies needing love. This is so true!
Thank you for your post. You describe something quite complex is a very straightforward and honest way. I’m similar in being addicted to suffering but I’m starting to break the cycle – thankfully – and recognise when it’s happening. There’s one particular person who i seem to fall into the drama with every time and I’m working on that!
Thank you for stopping by and for your kindness. I love how honestly you write about your struggles too.
I hear you about having one particular person whose drama we fall into – I am working with this now as well!